If I Were to Write a Suicide Note, What Would it Say: Thoughts on Robin Williams, Suffering, and the Stuff We Silence
It’s Robin Williams’ birthday today. As talk of his untimely death and mental health awareness has quieted, I wondered who else’s voice was missing from the conversation. I realized it was mine.
If I were to write a suicide note, what would I say? Who would I leave my last words to, what would I want them to understand? How would I explain the ache that has been flying under the radar, the impossible situation I’m not sure I’ll ever get out of, how overwhelmed I have become by it all, and how desperate I am to end my suffering.
Yes, morbid thoughts this evening… Or not.
As a therapist, statistically speaking, I am more likely to kill myself than my client is. But as a person, there are words I have been screaming at the top of my lungs, muffled by fear of consequence or judgment, before they could ever reach my vocal chords.
Anxiety can be crippling, while invisible to the human eye. Sadness can slip into hopeless, depression to despair without any notice. Deep emotions may flood a person without making a sound.
This rising turmoil starts small… a choice of comfort over conscience, relationship over respect, or doing what you have to do at your own expense. Internal chaos can be a high price for external peace.
What are those things that may push you to the brink? What would happen if you pushed them out of your mouth instead?
Everybody’s got something. Many people can be effected by changes in your energy or mood, but who is curious about your internal chaos? Find those people who have proven themselves trustworthy with your life and let them into your world. Survival may seem impossibly difficult today, but you may find it gets a little bit easier when you don’t go it alone.