A Self-Centered Approach to Life, Love, and Spirituality…starting with Steph

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If I Were to Write a Suicide Note, What Would it Say: Thoughts on Robin Williams, Suffering, and the Stuff We Silence

It’s Robin Williams’ birthday today. As talk of his untimely death and mental health awareness has quieted, I wondered who else’s voice was missing from the conversation. I realized it was mine.

If I were to write a suicide note, what would I say? Who would I leave my last words to, what would I want them to understand? How would I explain the ache that has been flying under the radar, the impossible situation I’m not sure I’ll ever get out of, how overwhelmed I have become by it all, and how desperate I am to end my suffering.

Yes, morbid thoughts this evening… Or not.
As a therapist, statistically speaking, I am more likely to kill myself than my client is. But as a person, there are words I have been screaming at the top of my lungs, muffled by fear of consequence or judgment, before they could ever reach my vocal chords.
Anxiety can be crippling, while invisible to the human eye. Sadness can slip into hopeless, depression to despair without any notice. Deep emotions may flood a person without making a sound.
This rising turmoil starts small… a choice of comfort over conscience, relationship over respect, or doing what you have to do at your own expense. Internal chaos can be a high price for external peace.
What are those things that may push you to the brink? What would happen if you pushed them out of your mouth instead?
My Invitation:
Everybody’s got something. Many people can be effected by changes in your energy or mood, but who is curious about your internal chaos? Find those people who have proven themselves trustworthy with your life and let them into your world. Survival may seem impossibly difficult today, but you may find it gets a little bit easier when you don’t go it alone.

Lay Your Head on my Bible

Roxy deep in thought...

Roxy deep in thought…

When something is wrong with me, I like to sleep with my Bible. For some reason just outside of my comprehension, it makes me feel better. Foxy Roxy, my pomeranian, kind of does something similar. She has been sleeping outside of my grandmother’s room lately, watching over her every night. But tonight when I got home, she was waiting for me under my bed. She is that kind of dog, she’ll sit with me when I’m injured, overwhelmed, or just in need of something. So it was touching to know that when my evening was crap, she was there. I absolutely love my dog and her care taking sensibility, but tonight I couldn’t help but wonder if something was wrong with her. She just laid softly and nestled herself on my bed, laying her head on my Bible. I thought about the implications of having a pet on a Holy Book, but if she needed the gentle touch my Bible has often offered me, then I couldn’t think of a better use of that source of comfort than for her. She stayed with me to lick my wounds, so to speak, the least I could do is give her a safe place to rest her head.

Sometimes those who take care of you need to be taken care of themselves (sounds vaguely familiar…). They may not be able to communicate it or show it, they may even be there for you right now in spite of their own needs. Don’t be afraid to offer them what usually soothes you (and say thank you for the things they may not know you notice). Consideration goes a long way, but caring can help ground people, bringing them all the way back to themselves. Being at home with others takes courage, inviting people to be at home with you affords them the opportunity to cast off their bravery for a moment and just be. A friend of mine says, “We all need a little help sometimes.” Even the strongest among us need a shoulder to lean on, in this case, maybe a Bible.

My Invitation:

Think of the people in your life who care deeply for you. Their support could be as readily available to you as the air you breathe or so subtle sometimes you may overlook it. I invite you to let your gratitude for them flow and allow them to feel your appreciation. Gratitude can have therapeutic effects on people. Who knows…it might be what both of you needed.

~Steph-Centered with an Appearance from Foxy Roxy

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